I run

Completely in love with this song right now, and completely in love with the adorable man I'm married to. We made a Thai/curry sort of dish for dinner last night, and I proceeded to bawl and blubber my way through it (aided by the 1/2 bottle of wine I drank prior to the meal). And he was sweet enough to say, and I believe him, that I didn't ruin our Monday date night with my floods of tears. It started with me asking if I'm always distraught when my period starts, and he said yes. And I said, "Well then why does it seem so much worse this time?" And the deluge started. I've been walking around with a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes for the better part of a week, and I've felt too foolish to tell him. I don't understand the depth of this ache. It seems like petulance over timing. But then he said, "But is it really the timing you're upset about? If somebody told you that you would get pregnant in 6 months, would you be upset?" No, I wouldn't. So it's not really the timing. It's the growing, nagging fear that presents itself like grief. And then he said, "Would anyone think you strange if you weren't permitted to eat and you started to get a little upset about it? This is a biological drive, and is, by definition, a-rational, but its arationality doesn't make it less real."

And I told him how I'm feeling just swallowed by this. And beat up. And tired. And sick to fucking death of it.

And how so many well-meaning people keep telling me to wait on God's timing, or for it to happen God's way, and how that doesn't mean anything at all to me. It's not that I don't care about God's "way" or "timing", but that the words hold no meaning. This is biology, and there's no reasoning, bargaining, bartering or bribing. Sure, He could step in and perform a miracle. He made us out of dust and spit, He certainly could make another one of us out of an egg and sperm. And He does every day. But I have a hard time believing that every birth and every death are parts of a carefully articulated plan. I think He's pretty much already let us know what He wants and what His plan is, and it's fairly simple. Trying to push the right God-button to get what you want seems to me to be a pretty bald-faced manipulation of the Almighty. He knows who I am and He knows what I want and all good things are being worked out through grace and in time.

And yes, there is mercy everywhere.

This might be my last cycle on the Clomid. And J is going in Wednesday for another test. And we might do an IUI this month. And I don't know what's next, but the feeling of being robbed of something is returning.

Please be gentle with me. I'll be better tomorrow.