Sunday, December 27, 2009


I am fresh off of a very... mixed... 48 hours.

In short, my hormones went berzerk on Wednesday, Thursday and Friday. I was pretty sure why and pretty sure I didn't like it. And then my temperature dropped Saturday morning. Kaplooie. Saturday morning, my husband and I got in the car for what was supposed to be a 6 hour drive to a dear friend's wedding. It took 8.5 hours and we walked in the door two minutes after the ceremony ended. Kaplooie.

On the plus side, I did get to see my lovely friend glowing in her dress, smiling at her groom, and dancing with her dad at the reception. And even though we missed half the event, I did get to see her full to overflowing, and in so so so many ways, that's entirely enough. Happiness is so beautiful, especially when it radiates from such an already beautiful person.

But last night in the hotel room, I felt absolutely flattened by frustration and disappointment. Between another failed TTC attempt and missing the wedding of a friend, I was just overwhelmed by the feeling that there are times that pass (though all are such) that you simply can't get back, and sadnesses that there aren't recompense for, and the infuriating powerlessness that comes from not having any enemy to rage at or any bad guy to blame. Sometimes it just rains.

But there was another side that, thankfully, wouldn't quite leave me alone. I'm only 27, but I have been lucky enough to have lived enough to know that any thing can be redeemed. The very wedding that we (almost, haha) witnessed emphatically - triumphantly - announces that fact. And that's no small thing. I have seen enough to know that the show really isn't over, even if it feels like the curtain is falling.

So we smile and gather close our blessings and hope for tomorrow.

I would be a fool to turn my face only to those things that cannot change (the past) and ignore the things that can. I would be a fool to miss the treasures for the spots of rust on the treasure chest.

As I've said before in this very blog. Things generally shake out OK, even if they suck beyond nightmare at the moment.

And in the words of a very fine author: "All will be most well."

Friday, December 18, 2009

Bench marks

Well hello. I know, I'm a crummy blogger. At least it's intentional.

In the world of TTC, we are, in fact, still TTC. As far as we know, I guess. We could have "C"ed a few days ago, but wouldn't know it yet. It's the 2ww. I can't say that it's the 24th, what with my wacky cycles and all, but this cycle marks two years. This will be the third Christmas I've hoped for a couple little lines for Christmas. It's wild, looking back at the last two years and realizing that two years have passed. They have been full, and they have been happy, and I am not the person today I was then. I'm actually more myself. If I may be sappy, I have to say that that's one of the best things about being married to the perfect man for me - he makes me more myself.

I don't want to get back on the TTC rollercoaster. I might have mentioned that. So I'm not going to.

But I will say that I've learned to watch my temperatures and I've found it fascinating to see how they correspond to things my body does. I find it absolutely hilarious that here I am, plunked in this body, and it's like being dropped off on a foreign planet. I mean, it's MY body! Shouldn't I have a better instinctive feel for it? lol. But it's given me a much better handle on what happens when.

AND. We actually went in for the first IUI this month. We missed the LH surge somehow last month. It was all a very surreal experience. But hey, we've done it once, and are ready to do at least 2 more. On the down side, J's numbers are still way low, even for an IUI. But on the upside, it's the best shot we've ever had. So here's hoping, huh?

OK. I'm distracted and out of the practice of blogging, so I'm going to stop writing now. But now all 5 of my occasional readers know what's going on. :)