Saturday, March 8, 2008

The mind always seems to reach for a reason, or a cause, or someone to blame, or something to fix. So what do you do when there is no reason, cause, person to blame, or anything to fix? You roil around in frustration, that's what.

We've been trying to get pregnant for going on 4 months now. Not really long in the grand scheme of things. Not so long when I know people who've been unsuccessful for 6+ years and are facing a rather resounding "no". So I know I really don't have much room to complain or fret or worry.

I just find myself right now stretched taut as a bowstring. Did I mention my last period was 65 days and 3 negative pregnancy tests ago?

I have two stepkids. One boy, one girl. Sometimes I feel that they are a more-than-deserved solace. They are here and I can cuddle them and guide them and be driven to the brink of madness by them and tuck them into bed and consider selling them off on ebay and then be softened even by their pain-in-the-neckness. Who knows why we are lovable even when we're creating pain in someone else's head. Biological built-in species preservation? Grace? Probably both.

Sometimes when I'm about ready to stuff them headfirst in a snowdrift, I catch myself, and wonder if maybe I don't deserve a baby of my own. Maybe that's why nothing's happening. But then I look around at the rest of my species and note the women and girls who keep turning up pregnant and I realize that dessert has nothing to do with it. It's just poor luck at the moment. I may wind up with a litter of children in 10 years, looking back at myself tonight and shaking my fist at myself for praying so hard and nodding at God for giving me just what I deserve for not calming down and being patient.

I learned last week that gratitude creates more patience than vice versa.