Monday, November 14, 2011


You would have been due a year ago today, child. You might have been a sturdy, drooling, adorable one year old today.

I mark this day, today, in some deep silent part of myself. I thought about telling someone, reminding someone, saying, "Hey, today is..." Today is what? It seems like a marker of nothing. But for you and me, my sweet lost little one, we know it's not nothing. I treasure you still, even if it's only me and your Father above who remember.

Everything is different today than it was a year ago.

I live in a different house, and your father and I have barely spoken in months. He has the little bunny I bought for you. I didn't fight him when he told me he was keeping it. He loves you and wanted it. And I surrendered it. I had as much choice in that surrender as I did in yours, and child, I miss you...

I grew up a lot this past year. It was a year of life lessons. But I would have rather been your mother than this much older and this much wiser.

We are told to give thanks in all things, and little one, believe me, I do. I'm thankful I had you those weeks. I am thankful that the God who gave me you and took you home is so near to me. I am thankful for the friends He has given me and the family He has given me. Your grandparents are uncle are amazing people and I am thankful that we have become so much closer.

Little one. I don't really know what to say.

I'm remembering you today.