Give us this day...

...our daily bread...

The heart breaks quietly. I didn't feel it at first. And then I did.

That stupid little ultrasound room, silent. The doctor zooming in, zooming out, rolling through the layers (so I assume), again, again, again. And there was just darkness. I knew very quickly that there was no heartbeat. I was just praying, praying, that it was just too small to see still. But it became clear that there was nothing there to see. I am pregnant with nothing.

I asked why I haven't miscarried yet, since the baby is long gone. He said he didn't know, but that if it doesn't happen within the next 2 weeks, I should call.

He said that because there's not even a visible embryo there, I shouldn't have to go through a D&C. It'll just be like a really heavy period. Probably a good deal of cramping. But there won't be tissue.

He said that he's very optimistic. He said it happened very quickly for us (the pregnancy).

I laughed louder than I meant to. I think I sobbed somewhere in the middle. I said, "27 months is quickly?!"

He said he meant it only took 2 tries with the IUI. So he believes that there is every reason to believe that we will become pregnant again.

He said the pregnancy itself was healthy.

I stared at him.

He said my body did everything right. I conceived and my body responded well.

There was just something very wrong with the embryo and nature took its course.

I didn't lose a healthy baby. Nature took something that couldn't have lived.

We will have to wait two cycles and then we will try again.

We knew this was a possibility. We knew that 1 in 5 pregnancies end this way. We were somewhat prepared for it. But we still really don't like it.

The most insulting thing? My body still believes it's pregnant, so I'm still nauseous and tired and sore and swollen. And may remain so for 2 more weeks.

Give us this day our daily bread...