Cheated

Yesterday was a surprisingly good day. I sat in a comfy chair all day with a Law and Order: SVU marathon on in the background. A friend sent flowers. I ate macaroni and cheese.

I felt optimistic. Disappointed and sad and occasionally tackled by sudden bouts of tears that just as suddenly stopped. But OK.

The nurses that I primarily talk to (who I'm actually referring to when I mention the "doc") called. The one I spoke with said that the other told her to call because she was the least likely to cry. They were very supportive and very optimistic about the future. We know I can conceive. We know my body knows what to do.

So when it comes to all that, I'm feeling relatively OK. Unhappy, but peaceful.

But that is presently conflating with another issue that is turning me into a little dark raincloud today.

I look forward to Lent and Holy Week and Pascha all year. The fast, deepening, the Holy Week, deepening, the services, the Pascha. This year, I got a week of the fast before having to give it up for, as it turns out, nothing. I'd planned to go to every service this week and now can go to none save Friday and Saturday. And we can't figure out which church to even go to for Friday and Saturday's services because the one we went to for several services last year and loved is over an hour away and full of people we don't know, and the one that's closer is full of people who have no desire to know us and is dry and frustrating.

And so I'm feeling a little cheated.

Like I said. Little gray rain cloud.

**Edit. J & I talked about it and I'm going to be able to make it to the Thursday service. I feel much better knowing that.