Expounding

It's days like this that make the end of the cycle that much more difficult to bear. Last cycle, I knew I wasn't pregnant. I could just tell. This time, I just don't know. My cycles are anywhere from 30 to 34 days long. I was anticipating this one being 31 based on my estimation of ovulating somewhere around CD15 or 16. At this point, I don't think the end will come before tomorrow.


All I know is that I am so so tired and I cried my face off last night (but there are some moderately good resons for that - if you read the post that I've since deleted, you'll have some idea what I'm talking about) and the girls are painful (as usual). It's the level of exhaustion that I'm hoping is a really good thing, and not a sign of an impending Noahide deluge.

I'm very grateful that I don't have any pregnancy tests in the house, because I would definitely go break my heart by taking one.

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I've been having an increasingly hard time over the last few weeks/months connecting to my stepkids. It's really been bothering me because they're great kids, and I love them, but I've had an increasing sense when they're around that I just want them gone. I find them annoying and frustrating and exhausting, with none of the benefits that parents talk about accruing to offset all the costs. And it's been bothering me.

So yesterday, I decided to go out of my way to reconnect with my stepson. I'm a waitress, so I know what it means to be happy and helpful and upbeat and energetic when I don't feel like being any of the above. I know how to fake it, so to speak (though in certain applications, I never need to, snicker snicker). So I did that. I wanted him to feel valued and loved, because I know I've not been doing a good job of showing the kids how much they mean to me.

I was surprised to find that I had to get around this huge wall of sadness and frustration and fear (from all this infertility crap) to reach him. I didn't even know it was there until I tried to get around it. I mean, I know I've been battling sadness and frustration and fear, but I didn't realize that it was forming a barrier between me and the blessings I already have.

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I'm very hopeful this cycle. Very hopeful. And very much afraid. Because we've done everything right. I had the HSG done, so we know all the plumbing is clear. We had sex every day 8 days in a row, so we know that there were plenty of swimmers for Little Miss Picky Egg to choose from. And if it didn't work, I know that my overall optimism will suffer for it.

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Truly, I do have other things on my mind that I intend to blog about. Like opinions on this whole economic downturn/stimulus/socialist/notmycupoftea business. Maybe later.

Today, I just sort of need people to pat me on my head and say, "there there". It's OK if you roll your eyes when I'm not looking. In my more lucid moments, I roll my eyes at myself too.

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Oh. My husband rocks. No orgasm stories to gross you out with. He just rocks.