here

It's here now. Finally.

Not getting myself worked up these last few weeks has helped... the last few weeks. I don't think there's any mental trick you can pull on yourself to help when the hopes that you so carefully hid from your own view, but carried nonetheless, are dashed again. The truth is, there are real goods out there, and when you can't have them, it sucks.

Something inside me just feels very still. Very quiet. I think it might be anger. But I hope that goes away. There's nothing to direct it at, and so if it doesn't fizzle, it'll just sit and turn to poison. And I don't want that.

So my current strategy is redirection rather that suppression. I'm going to lose 15 pounds. I don't have a deadline, but I'm going to do it. That's something I do have control over, something I can do something about, and it wouldn't hurt to burn off the pounds from all my emotional eating and be healthier. Right?

And someday, a baby will come. Right?

Right?