negative

By the time Saturday rolled around, I was starting to resign myself to another 5 week wait. I was still rather unhappy about it, but I was starting that process of gathering hope, gathering courage, gathering patience, being thankful for what I have, etc. On Sunday, it only stung a little to walk past the baby section in Target. Closer to the normal level, not the anvil-on-the-chest level it gets to be for a day or so. This morning, with still no sign of RM re-emergence, I got another negative test.

I think that God can bring good out of anything. I've seen it. I don't, however, believe that everything that happens happens for a "reason". I mean, it happens for a reason. It's not out of the blue. The body is a delicate machine and it doesn't take much to throw it off. Poor diet makes you fat or thin, stress is bad for your heart, chemicals get out of balance and all sorts of things follow. But I don't necessarily think that it's correct to think that God hands out cancer, near-sightedness, infertility, bad skin, mental issues or any other such thing specifically and for a purpose. Hence, nothing here to understand.

I wish there was a cosmic reason to point to. "Aha! That's why." Belief in the Fates is tempting sometimes. Turn the universe into a vending machine, kiss up to the good guys, stay out of the way of the bad guys, and all will go well. But there's not. There may be a cosmic benefit, and probably really a whole package of benefits, to be achieved from learning patience, peace, joy, courage, love, hope, etc, even in a valley. But I don't think the benefits should be confused with the cause.

So. I'm struggling today. Hope was rekindled, because bleeding of the kind I experienced and the little spotting that showed up last night is suspicious. And it just may be too soon for a test to pick up the hormone levels. That little candle of hope that was relit is almost harder to deal with than the finality of Friday. But swirling through my head are wonderings. Why else would it stop like that? Did I experience a very early miscarriage? But I don't know how those work. And if I can't go on the Clomid today (because the potential harm of taking Clomid while pregnant makes me highly disinclined to "chance it"), I don't get to go on it at all this month. And then how long til the next cycle starts? My body is not good at running this process on its own. If the past is any indication, I'll be taking another pregnancy test in 5 weeks, getting another negative, then going on the Progesterone, and that can take anywhere from 4-14 days to jump start anything. The length of the wait makes me feel like I'm choking.

I'm trying to find a still, silent place in my mind to put all this so that I can get on with the work I'm supposed to do today. I'm trying to be patient. All will be most well. This day is just a little harder to get through than others.

I should probably delete this whole post. But I'm not going to. Someday I will read it again and think, "Worth it."